Things Happen For A Reason
I’ve always been one to believe that everything happens for a reason. Why the events of my life are happening? I’m not too sure. Things that I am sure of are that I’m meant to be writing about my experiences and yes, right now most of the posts have been about my heart break. That’s what I’m going through though. That is what is fresh in my mind. I have many more experiences I will share with you but it’s going to take me some time for my heart to heal and for my mind to think about something else. I’m also sure that I am madly in love with my best friend, Josh.
He stole my heart from me the day we started to get to know each other. I just didn’t quite know it yet. Everything that we did together was amazing, even the simple things. Just being in his arms I felt safe and loved. I was loving who I was becoming with him. For the first time in a long time I was seeing myself as beautiful. I wasn’t seeing myself as someone who was a bit overweight when it comes to my stomach area. I wasn’t seeing myself as someone who didn’t have any confidence. Being with him I had all the confidence in the world.
I was exploring myself with him. He got me to open myself up instead of staying in my shell. He got me to see the real beauty behind everything. Josh got me to try new foods in my life. I’m a very picky person and don’t like to try new things. But he got me to. And the food was delicious. I had no idea what I was missing out on. Will I continue to open up and eat foods I’ve never tried without him by my side? I’m not sure. I’m not sure if anyone else will get me to open up like he did. Maybe that’s why I love him so much. No one in my life including my own friends can get me to talk for hours about anything and everything or to try things I’ve never tried before. He is the only one. He’s the only one that I want to be with and I blew it.
Josh has such a beautiful soul. There’s nothing about him that I don’t like. He’s a sucker for a good fantasy book. He’s also into books about history, philosophy, religion, and Buddhism. He loves to learn whether it’s reading or talking to someone. He enjoys being outdoors. He likes hiking, camping, walking, and has an affinity for the water. He loves to travel and explore the world. He can also be a geek. He plays video games, D&D, and likes board games as well. He’s also into cosplay. His favorite flavor of ice cream is mint and it just so happens to be his favorite color too. Josh doesn’t like to burden anyone.
There were so many times that I told him if it was too hard to be with me that I would understand if he didn’t want to anymore. One of the times he even told me to shut up. That he wasn’t going anywhere. That he would like to be around as we sort out our lives. And that making a life work didn’t feel so difficult. I wonder where things changed. What went through his mind that made him feel like none of this was possible anymore? Maybe it was me and not really knowing who I was anymore. Telling him that I didn’t get to explore myself much before getting married to Frank and giving birth to our daughter. Maybe it was because he didn’t want to burden me while he figures out what he wants to do with his life.
The thing about all of this, all of this pain and misery, is that I’m making it worse. I can’t stop thinking about him or dreaming about him. The lyrics that I write are about him and pretty much all of these blogs are as well. He invaded my heart and there is nothing I can do to make this pain go away. I want a life with him. But that’s not possible. I want him to be happy. With that I just might have to let him go completely. I don’t want that at all though. I don’t want him to not be in my life. But I can’t stop hurting.
I can’t stop thinking on how much I wish he would change his mind and tell me that he loves me and wants to be with me too. I don’t think that’s going to happen though. My heart is in so much pain, so much agony, that I feel like I can’t even breath. I just want to be in his arms right now. Always and forever. I don’t think that things will get any easier for me. He’ll go on with his life and forget about me. Whereas me I’ll never forget. I’ll never forget any of the moments we have shared together. All the events still play in my mind. I can still feel his lips on mine. I can still feel his arms around me while I’m watching something. He’s here but he’s not. My heart is forever broken. He’ll always be in it, he’ll always be here with me in my mind, but I wish, I wish so much that he would change his mind and that I can be in his arms for the rest of our lives. Things happen for a reason. But I’m still having trouble with losing the love of my life. I don’t know how to fix my heart.