God has a plan for everyone whether you believe in him or not. I have my moments that I believe in him and I also have my moments where I don’t. What his plans are for me, I have no clue. I’m still trying to figure it out. I’m just going to let whatever happens happen.
At first I thought that his plan was for me to be with my ex husband for the rest of my life. When I was so down from taking my own babies life because my ex boyfriend was toying with my emotions, I was having thoughts of not wanting to be alive anymore. That I didn’t deserve to be around since I killed an innocent baby inside me. When I really needed to talk with someone about it, Frank, my ex husband was online. So, I saw that as a sign and decided to message him. He had been my biggest crush since middle school. I felt that was God trying to lead me that way.
Little did I know, he had feelings for me too. We became friends with benefits for a week and then he finally asked me out. After being together for seven months, I found out that I was four weeks pregnant. I just instantly knew that there was something different with my body. I took a test while at work since I worked graveyard. And the test was positive. That Christmas, Frank asked me to marry him in front of his family with a huge speech he had written down. I said yes. We got married two days before our one year anniversary.
We’ve had our issues in the marriage but through everything we had been through, we always stayed. Even when the other one of us said to go stay somewhere else. Everytime we always chose each other. We loved each other very much. But sadly love just wasn’t enough for me anymore. He barely spent time with me. We never went out on dates. He would spend all day and night on his computer. I spent my days going to work and coming home to take care of our daughter. On my days off I would try and catch up on laundry and get the house clean. All he did was be on his computer. He was truly making me feel like our daughter and I weren’t important enough for him.
I’d finally decided that I was going to leave him but I was waiting until after the holidays to tell him. To me, God’s plan was for me to have my daughter with Frank. She brings me the greatest joy and I’m so thankful that I have her in my life today. She’s such a character and I just love her so much. She was what I was meant to have being with Frank. It wasn’t Frank himself, but what he gave me out of being with him.
While I was waiting to tell Frank that I wanted a divorce, I met someone. I didn’t go looking. I didn’t mean for it to happen how everything happened. I’ve cheated before on an ex boyfriend and I swore I wouldn’t do it again. The way things unraveled though, made me feel like I was being lead to this other guy. We started talking on facebook messenger and just getting to know him was nice. Having a friend to talk to, someone that would listen when I needed to rant, someone to give me good insight and wise words, was amazing.
I knew right away that there was something different about him. He was getting me to open up in ways I never knew was possible for me. I’m a pretty stuck in my head kind of person. I keep everything bottled up inside. When it comes time to talk about what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling with my emotions, I don’t do very well. But Josh, Josh got me to get out of my head. To share information that I never even told Frank. We hung out once at his place and it was a simple hang out but it meant everything to me. Talking face to face, showing him how to make banana bread, playing video games, and watching tv. All simple things to do, but somehow with Josh it was magical. It was fun.
The next time I saw him, we went to Zoo Lights. I’ve already mentioned it before in another blog but it was so magical I can’t help but mention it again. Everything, and I mean everything about that night was so amazing, so breathtaking. As soon as he took my hand in his, I knew I was in love with him. I knew that I wanted to be with him, to see where our future would lead us. The way he kisses is mind blowing. Everything about him is beautiful and awe inspiring.
We didn’t get to see each other very much but when we did I cherished it all. Even the simple things. I truly thought that being with Josh was where God was leading me. But he left me and I’ve been heartbroken ever since. Josh was my one true love. Loving him was different than loving Frank or anyone else I’ve loved. I don’t quite know how to put it into words. I accept everything about him. Even the things that he couldn’t accept about himself. I didn’t try to change him. I bought him gifts that I put a lot of thought into. Things that I knew he would like and knew that he would use them. Josh became my best friend. He’s my greatest love and I’ll always love him.
I let the love of my life get away though. It’s because of my mental illness that I should have gotten taken care of long ago. Josh wanted a break. But during the break my actions lead to him not wanting to get back together at all. My mental illness is what made me lose him forever. I’ll never forgive myself for that. Maybe God’s plan all along was for Josh to break my heart so bad that I finally get the help I need for my illness. Maybe it was so that I could start this blog and all the lyrics that I have written since he left me.
Maybe one day I’ll find someone that I can love as much as I do Josh. Maybe someday God will bring someone into my life that will accept all of me. That won’t judge me. That will support me with my mental illness instead of running away forever like Josh did. I’m not going to go looking though. I’m going to let whatever happens happen. In the meantime, I’m going to work on myself. I’m going to keep writing and finding other things that I enjoy. I know I enjoy photography and I’d really like to get into that but I need to buy a nice camera first. There’s so much that I want to explore and maybe someday I will by myself or with my significant other. For now though, I’m fine with being by myself and learning who I am without the help of a man or woman.