Suicide is never the answer. It’s the easy way out. I know that now. I’ve suffered from depression probably since middle school. But I haven’t had the courage to admit that I need help until just recently. I have my first appointment scheduled for a week and a half from now. I’m ashamed that I have depression. I’m ashamed that I didn’t get help a lot sooner. If I hadn’t of hit rock bottom, I wouldn’t have the courage to seek the help that I so desperately need. I would have been dead from killing myself. If you’ve read my other posts you would know why but first I’m going to go back a few years..
About three years ago, my husband and I were having issues in our marriage. I had left him a note telling him I that I didn’t know if I could be with him anymore. I was tired of all the hurt that he would constantly cause me. After he read the note we got into a huge discussion that ended in him telling me to go stay at my sister’s then. I didn’t though. He went to go grab us some food since it was so late and we were too tired to cook anything. While he was gone I tried to kill myself. I took 50 pills of advil with a lot of alcohol hoping that would do the trick. It didn’t. I felt really groggy though and past out. But the next morning I woke.
I should have gotten help then. I was so ashamed that I had tried to kill myself. That I let myself even get to that point. That I couldn’t even think about my daughter in that instance. She is the one thing that I have left in my life. She should be enough. Somehow she wasn’t though. I don’t understand why not. She is my pride and joy. I made her. She spent nine months inside me growing. She should be enough.
Now, let me recap a little bit on my recent heartbreak just in case you haven’t read my other blogs. My boyfriend of five months left me. It’s been really hard on me because of how much I love him. I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love him. He got me to open up which is something that’s hard for me to do. He got me to try new foods that I’ve never tried. In fact, all the food he had me try was really good. I felt like God lead me to him and that we were suppose to be together. He truly became my best friend. I spoiled him like crazy with these amazing gifts and always buying him some kind of chocolate for his sweet tooth. But somehow with everything we did and with how happy we were together, he asked for a break.
I didn’t take the break very well. After two days, I had written him to tell him goodbye. That I can’t stand being here if he’s not by my side. In that time I could not think about my daughter. All I could think about was all the hurt and pain I was in. So, I got to thinking that it’s just better off if I’m not even here. I made the plan as to how I was going to attempt suicide while I was at work. But along the way I prayed. Something I don’t do very often. I prayed for something to come along and snap me out of my emotions. By the time I got home God sent me my something. It was two of my friends wanting to go to the movies with me. I’m so grateful for them right now. Without them asking me to go with them, I would either be dead right now or I’d be in the hospital. I would have taken six doses of my Meloxicam and slit my wrists. I’m ashamed of feeling this way. Which is why I’m finally getting help.
He only asked for a break. But I took it to the next level when I told him I was going to kill myself. Because he didn’t know if I was going to be around anymore he decided that he doesn’t want to be with me at all. That he only wants to be friends. I still cry everyday from what I lost. I did this to myself though. If I hadn’t of told him I was going to end my life, if I had just kept it to myself, then someday I’d be with him again. I ruined it all. My actions lead to him leaving me for good.
I saw him the other day to give him a gift I had ordered before he left me. It was very difficult. I could barely look him in the eye. I stayed as far away from him as I could. All I wanted to do was hold him and kiss him. As soon as he picked me up and I got in the car, I noticed that he was wearing something. It was a bracelet that I bought him for his birthday. Why did he have to wear it that day? It toyed with my emotions. Gave me a little bit of hope that we still had a chance. That is until he told me that he brought my hairbrush and body wash with him.
Maybe I’m just doomed to be by myself. Maybe God brought him into my life to break me to the point where I finally see that I need help. Maybe someday I’ll find love again. I’m nowhere near ready to get back out there. In fact I don’t think I ever will be. I believe that he was my soulmate. That I’m not going to find someone that can get me to open up like he did. That I’m not going to find love again. I love my daughter though. That’s all the love that I need. I just need to remember that on my low days.
There is NOTHING in this world to give up your life for. No man nor woman. I know this now and I wish so much that I could go back in time and change some actions. It takes courage to admit that you need help. Don’t be afraid like I was. Don’t be ashamed like I was either. Show your courage. Show that you are brave and strong. You can make it through anything. Don’t give up on yourself. Believe in yourself.