Daydreams

Life Experiences

Daydreams

What does the future hold for me? I’m not sure but I would like to find out. I find myself daydreaming a lot about what it could be like. I’ve been in three serious relationships and quite a few others that weren’t. I’ve been engaged twice one of which I married but am no longer with. I daydreamed about what life would be like with each of my serious relationships.

The first guy I daydreamed my life with was the guy I lost my virginity to. I was 15 at the time and I had met him from my sister’s boyfriend. In fact he was his cousin and he was close to five years older than me. He had came over to visit with his cousin and we all ended up going swimming. A few days later he came to hang out again. We flirted pretty much all night long. Before the night was over we shared our first kiss and we became an item. He ended up living with us instantly because he had nowhere else to live.

We were together for almost five years before he ended up leaving me pregnant. But in those years I thought that he was the one for me. Although he emotionally abused me. He would call me fat and tell me that I’m only book smart and not real world smart. At one point he even ended up choking me. As well as not stopping while trying anal sex for the first time. I was in pain and told him to stop. He didn’t. I tried pushing him away but he was a lot stronger than me and still wouldn’t stop. I loved him though. I couldn’t see past all that until he left.

As I said, he left me while I was pregnant. When I told him that I was keeping the baby he tried to kill himself right in front of me. Toying with my emotions. I then told him I would give up my baby. That I would set up an appointment and get the abortion so long as he came with. He kind of did. He was there but then left before the appointment had even started. I then had to call my sister because there was no way I was going to go through with it alone. To this day I still hate myself for killing my baby. But, if I hadn’t I wouldn’t have the daughter that I have now. My due date was November 21st, 2013 and I ended up getting pregnant with my daughter on October 6th, 2013.

I can’t believe I stayed with him as long as I did. I can’t believe that I agreed to marry him. I can’t believe that I once daydreamed about our future together. Granted that was a long time ago and I don’t remember what I had daydreamed, I know that at one point I did.

While I was at home in bed resting after the abortion, a friend of mine was online and I really needed someone to talk to. So, I messaged him. He ended up coming over after he was off work, along with my best friend. Together the three of us talked for a few hours. Then my best friend left and it was just the two of us. We continued to talk in his car for a while longer. When I was finally ready to go back inside, I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. He ended up messaging me asking if that had really happened or if he had imagined it. We hung out again, but this time at his place. He tried showing my some notes on the guitar but I was too nervous to concentrate.

We watched a movie instead. Once the movie was over we started to talk. He asked me what I was thinking and I told him I could show him better than I could tell him. So, I kissed him. I had a crush on him since like seventh grade. We ended up being friends with benefits for a week before we became official. We were together for a little over six months when I found out that I was pregnant. A month later on Christmas day he asked me to marry him. I said yes. And we did. We tied the knot on April 26th, 2014. Two days shy of our one year anniversary. The daydream that I had about our future was that we would have our own place and have two or three children. That was it. That’s all I envisioned for the two of us. But sadly we only have the one kid and we didn’t last. Our happily ever after ended.

The third guy that I’ve daydreamed about our life together, was the boyfriend after my husband. He was my greatest love and I let him slip between my fingers.  He asked for a break and during that break I messed up. I was and still am having a hard time being without him. So, I told him I was going to end my life. I did not go through with it but saying those words are what made him decided it was no longer a break. He didn’t know if I was going to be around anymore.

I daydreamed a lot about our future together though. I dreamed that when he was ready to ask me to marry him that he would take me back to where we had our first date at Zoo Lights. That he’d ask in the exact spot we shared our first kiss. How magical would that be? I dreamed that we would have a nice house together with three or four of our own kids. That we would travel the world together. Hike and swim in the most incredible places and constantly take pictures together to share with our family the wonderful experience we had shared. I dreamed we would adopt children from different countries that needed our help. That we would be foster parents and help even more children.

I daydreamed that we would have a room dedicated to books. That we would spend hours in the room together just reading and spending time together. Have all our kids in the room with us and take turns reading a story to them at night before bed. That we would play video games together and I’d whoop his butt in Mario Kart. We’d play Borderlands and Tom Clancy video games as well, along with other games. That we would have one night a week dedicated to playing board games with our children.

Unfortunately, none of those are going to happen. He’s my biggest heartbreak and it’s because I love him more than I’ve loved anyone, aside from my daughter. He’s the one I let get away. He says we’ll be friends so I guess there’s always that. But I want more. I want a life with him. I want some of these daydreams to come true. I love him more than I can even express. I ruined everything between us and there is nothing I can do or say to get him to change his mind. Which really hurts. I don’t think I will ever get over him. I’ll never get over the life that we shared or the love that we shared. He’s my greatest love and I will always love him.