Heartbreak

Life Experiences

Heartbreak

Heartbreak is devastating. I’m going through so much right now that I’m not sure how much more I can handle. At the end of December 2018 I told my husband of almost five years that I wanted a divorce. This post isn’t going to be about that. It’s just something that needs to be said so you understand a little bit of what I’m going through right now. That’s not my greatest heartbreak. My greatest heartbreak is the guy I got involved with before I told my husband about the divorce. Do I feel bad I cheated on my husband? Yes. But I had already decided to tell him that I wanted a divorce and I was only putting it off because of the holidays. I have spent the last five months with this guy and feel super hard and super fast. Let me go back just a little bit.

At the end of November 2018 my sister in laws youngest son was leaving to go into the military. She held a goodbye party at our home because we lived with my brother in law and her. Her other kids showed up along with a bunch of other people that I didn’t know. One of her sons and I started to talk briefly and I enjoyed the conversation so much that I requested to be his friend on facebook. Now keep in mind that I was only looking for a friend. All of her children were from previous marriages so she had no children with my brother in law and they relation was only by marriage. Anyways, it took him a little bit before he accepted the request. Once he did I started to message him on December 4th, 2018. We talked pretty much everyday and for hours at a time. It was very refreshing.

A week later I went over to his place to show him how to make my banana bread. He’s been in the food industry for quite some time but hasn’t done much baking. He picked me up and I brought over all the ingredients and tools that we needed. So, I showed him how to make it. While we were waiting for the bread to bake we played video games. I haven’t really played video games in a long time. I forgot how much I had enjoyed them. We played on his Nintendo Switch and we played a Mario Kart game and a Donkey Kong game. The first round on Mario Kart, I got my butt whooped big time and he placed in first place. The second time though I was used to the controls that I got a lot better and actually won. The third round I came in second place, he beat me by one freaking point. Donkey Kong was interesting to play never played one of them before. I was enjoying myself so much I hadn’t even realized the time. After the video games we watched an episode of Stranger Things. I quite enjoyed the show. At some point while we were still playing the games the banana bread had came out. He tried some of it and said it was delicious.

Everytime he got up from the couch we found ourselves getting closer and closer to each other. At one point our legs were even touching. We talked for hours about anything and everything. I couldn’t believe how good of a time I was having being in his company. While there I couldn’t stop thinking about how bad I wanted to kiss him and just be in his arms. But as much as I wanted that to happen, it didn’t. We continued to talk on facebook messenger. In one of the messages he asked me if I wanted to go to Zoo Lights with him. I told him I’ve never been and would definitely like to go.

So on December 18th, after I was off of work, he picked me up and we went. It was one of the most magical nights of my life. The lights were magnificent and I’ve seen anything like it. We had barely been there when he took my hand in his. My heart raced the entire time. We’d gotten hot chocolate that tasted very delicious. We stopped inside a place to see about getting some food and he held me in his arms while we were trying to decide. I got on my tip toes and tried to kiss him but he wasn’t having it. So we left and started walking around the zoo more. After a while we stopped and that’s when he took the opportunity and kissed me. It was the most magical kiss I’ve ever had. It was perfect. Like we were meant to be. We roamed around the zoo more and kissed in a bunch of different spots. At the end we decided to eat at the restaurant that’s at the beginning of the zoo. Once we were done we headed back. He didn’t take me home right away. Instead he took me back to his place where we made out a lot. We talked a lot. He held me in his arms. But sadly it was time to go back home. I didn’t want to go and he didn’t want me to leave. That was such a perfect night and to this day it still plays through my mind.

On December 30th, my husband found out I had cheated on him and that I wanted a divorce. That was such a conversation and there were plenty of tears on both our sides. I was not able to sleep after that conversation and I had to be up super early for work. My husband and I talked more and more about it. Rather than trying to make my marriage work which was something he was willing to do, I still left. I choose the other guy.

We had been on a few coffee dates since then and I’d been over to his place a lot more. We would talk and watch tv. There was also a lot of making out.  By January 4th, I had spent the night for the first time. Being by his side at night was amazing, He actually cuddled me and I cuddled him as well. Three weeks later on the 25th, we officially started dating. And two days after that we had sex for the first time. Being with him has been amazing. It’s had its downsides too. Like the fact that he works so much because he’s got three jobs, so we didn’t get to see each other much. Every time we did see each other I cherished every moment and every date. But I still had some doubts. I wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about me and I thought that none of his friends new about me. He had canceled two times on me and it was making me feel like his friends were more important than his own girlfriend. But they were doubts. I got over them.

Saturday May 11th, 2019, we had a fantastic date. We went to Ross so he could grab a few pairs of shorts. I always find it fun to shop with him for some reason. After that we went to Jamba Juice for smoothies. We sat outside on a bench facing a tree and just talked. Once we were done with those we went for dinner. We ate at a place called Petra House. It’s a Mediterranean restaurant and the decor was breathtaking. Our hands got washed with rose water before we ate. The food was delicious. Nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. Which if you knew me, I’m a very picky eater and it’s hard to get me to try new things. But with the five months we’ve been together he’s gotten me to try quite a few new things. The date was just as amazing as going to Zoo Lights.

Unfortunately, on the 15th, I had the worst day. He had came to pick me up to spend time with him and to spend the night. We ended up going for a walk and during that walk he told me he needed a break from us. My heart instantly dropped. I didn’t want to hear those words. I wasn’t understanding why. He brought me back home where I ended up coming in long enough to drop my bag off and run out the door. My sister chased after me asking if everything was okay and I told her that he left me and broke down crying in her arms. She asked me if I needed company or if I needed to be alone. I told her I needed to be alone. I went for a walk and didn’t return for hours. In the time I was gone, I was doing nothing but balling my eyes and messaging a few people. One of them being him to try and understand why he needs the break.

When I get back to my sister’s, her boyfriend takes me out for a couple drinks. We went to Big Foot first where I had a shot of patron and a rum and coke. Then we ended up making our way over to Smeads to hang with some of his friends that were already there. I ended up having another shot of patron and the majority of a glass of beer. I’m not sure what kind of beer because he had ordered it up at the front and I was at one of the booths. While there I ended up drinking two glasses of water. I was already feeling those drinks. Once back at my sisters I go into the fridge to try and drink some of my orange juice but a minute later I have to run to the bathroom. I threw up big time and was super dizzy that I couldn’t move. I had passed out on the bathroom floor.

I hear my sister knocking on the door and I just can’t get up. She uses her handy tool to let herself in. She’s trying to get me up but it’s just not working. Her boyfriend then comes in and grabs me under my armpit to help me on. He then has me lean on him to get me to the couch. It was a struggle but we made it. As soon as I make it I ask for a bucket. I instantly throw up more and then I pass out.

The day after was also the worst. I had to go to work super depressed and hungover. I  had to try my best not to cry in front of all the customers. Throughout the day I was still messaging my ex to try and figure out why he did this to us. I wasn’t able to eat at all that day. That day and the day before I had dreams of him which made everything worse. I couldn’t and still can’t stop thinking about him and with the dreams too, it was all to much. Friday morning I wrote him again. This time I was telling him goodbye because I can’t live without him. I told him I was going to kill myself once I got home. He told me I was selfish and that if I go I will destroy my daughter by doing so.

I prayed which is something that I don’t do very often. I prayed that something came along my way so that I didn’t go through with it. I had the plan to take all of my Meloxicam and cut my wrists. I was going to leave notes for everyone. But the next thing I know two of my friends are trying to see if I’m available to go see a movie. So, I do. And I had a great time. Even went for drinks afterwards even though I only had a little bit of popcorn in my system. I may have had a great time but my mind was still on my ex. I couldn’t stop thinking about him in the back of my mind. I didn’t get back to my sister’s until like 1:30am and I had to be to work super early.

Saturday, once again was another bad day. I had decided that I was going to stop messaging him and give him space so that he can think. I once again wasn’t able to eat anything. On Sunday, I was starting to feel weak and dizzy. It wasn’t until dinner time that I was finally able to eat something. Monday I was only able to eat a small burger and that was it. Today, Tuesday, I’ve only been able to eat one roll. I just can’t eat. I just can’t.

I messaged him earlier today and ended up finding out that it’s no longer a break. That he’s done. It’s all because I decided to take my life and he wasn’t sure if  I was going to be around anymore. But I didn’t take my life so why does he have to be done? And honestly, I don’t know if I actually could of. Was I thinking those thoughts? Yes. Did I have it planned out? Yes. But I think I just told him I was going to go through with it to see his reaction. To see if he even cared. To see if he even loved me. If I could go back and change what I said, I would. I want to live. I want to be with my daughter. I want to be with him. I’m going to get the help that I need. Finally get my depression looked at and hopefully be able to talk with a professional.

He is my greatest love. I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love him. I feel like God had lead me to him to show me that I could be happy. To show me that I don’t need to stay stuck in a marriage that I’m unhappy with. To show me what love really is like. Did I love my husband? Yes. But unfortunately, not like this. He got me to try new things when no one else could. He got me to open up like no one else could. He got me to want to explore myself and to figure out what it is that I love doing. He changed me. He changed my life. I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to lose him.

If you are reading this I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I told you I was going to take my life. I’m sorry for hurting you, that wasn’t my intention. I don’t know if there is anything that I can say to get you to change your mind and to be with me but I have to try. Let me get the help that I need first and then decide after I’m better. I can only hope that you do choose to be with me. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose this love. YOU are my greatest love. YOU are my best friend. Please don’t give up on us. I loved who I was becoming with you. I love you always and forever, no matter what.